A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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