thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
