He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I won't apologize to a one balled man
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
