I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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