omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
