Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
