god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
