tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Randomize
