I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
