I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
