good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
pop tarts are not kleenex
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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