Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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