Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Drunk is not a location!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize