textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
