Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
