I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
