So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize