bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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