Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
