oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
