I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
look no pants
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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