A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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