Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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