i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
