i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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