Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
