my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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