Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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