I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
