I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
