Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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