my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize