He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
