I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
