WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
