Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
