there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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