It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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