Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
