Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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