She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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