You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
