Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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