Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
