I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
