Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
