I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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