That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
