Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
