i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
