You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
