I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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