Im at strip club and am horny
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
it's like iHOP with fire
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
