so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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