Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
