Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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