I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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