She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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