remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
